spilled onto the page

08:41 pm - New Roots single

Gotta love Black Thought's vocals.

Current Mood: artistic

02:47 pm - A Clarification

(Warning: The following is written on the phone, crammed in the back seat with large quantities of ribs for the purpose of transport for Memorial day. Any grammatical errors are attributed to such accomodations)

To the people that talk to me on a somewhat regular basis and ask the question "how's things?", they usually get the response, with a slight shrug: I live. And, for a while, this was simply a catch all phrase meaning, quite simply, I'm alright. Not good, not bad; dead center on the emotional scale. But, lately, the term needs a bit of clarification. The following is also an attempt to try and break the recently growing trend of not really voicing anything about my current state of mind.

When I say "I live," it sometimes means I just have a lot on my mind. That constant thoughts are continue to flow through my head and sometimes I can't pinpoint just what's going on from second to second. Usually that's how my mind has already been. But, lately, it's been a cause for some moodswings. One second, I'm a smiling, giddy ball of energy. The next? Sombre and reflecting. It's almost like something triggers in my mind preventing any long lasting moments of pleasure and joy.

It means I want to move on. To feel like I actually have and to press on with my life, but it seems that, everywhere I turn, everytime I look inward, there's still some unresolved issue that I gotta plow through. It's a feeling of vulnerability I hate having and, no matter how many lectures I've had to the contrary, it just doesn't feel comfortable to have this nagging feeling of "mortality" on my brain. I'm used to feeling invincible, to feeling that there's nothing I can't fix. That's what I've been to this family for years and years. We all had our roles and I was the fixer. I may not be tech savvy like most professionals, but I always had or found a solution; be it to big or small problems. And, it wasn't like it all came crashing down with a personal "impersonal" phone call. It was a scream and a (I hate to say) traumatizing sight. You ever have that feeling where, you make a mistake and, you attempt to fix it but you fail? So you have this sinking feeling as you're forced to face the consequences? That's what I seem to have. Logically, I know it wasn't my fault but this was the one thing I couldn't fix, couldn't make better with a joke or a well thought out solution. No matter how much I pushed, how much I blew or touched my lips to his, he wouldn't wake up. I couldn't fix it

So there's that. Just this feeling of hopelessness. This anger at the world that things happened the way they did (it was just a stomach flu!). And, it's not like I can't talk to my peoples about it. I trust my fam and my very close friends (y'all know who you are); real talk. It's just, here is where I feel comfortable. I can spill and not feel as though I'm monopolizing anyone with my trivial bullshit and with things that I should be over with by know.

So there you go. All that summed up with two simple words: I live. It's easier, concise. And just downright less of a bore to read. But, for now? I'm gonna enjoy myself back at "home" in Chi-city. See y'all later

06:28 am - Never Thought I'd Write Again

Spoken Word

"The Things I lost"

Moments in time, I wish that they'd last
So I sit and reminisce about conversations past.
We'd talk about ERAs and PPGs
GPAs and SATs.
Relive tales of little old ladies that sat at the front of the bus.
And the million ways that God did bless us.
How to be careful of those that would try to get over
And the effectiveness of a mean crossover.  We'd rap over
Favorite LPs and CDs
While I'd teach him the ways of the MP3.
He'd warn me about trying to be someone I'm not
Then we'd stop, just to geek about Jordan's last shot.
Still get goosebumps.  He showed me when I truly became a man
Because then?  He spoke to me, not like a son, but a friend
And damn; I'd just laugh as he hushed his tone
To private words about thick black chicks, white girls and red bones.
How mainstream hip hop can be summed up in ringtones
And how he'd spoil my kids 'til the day they got grown.
The seeds have been sewn
From education to maintaining my concentration.
To the way I flip them words when I talk
to that confident swagger in my walk.
I'd give anything to regain this time, whatever the cost
Because I can't help but feel these are the things that I've lost
That these are nothing more than mere, fleeting memories
But in truth, these very things resemble me.  So
As long as I keep him in my thoughts
These are the times that will never be forgot.

01:55 am - What's Your Personality Type?

You Are An INFJ

The Protector You live your life with integrity, originality, vision, and creativity. Independent and stubborn, you rarely stray from your vision - no matter what it is. You are an excellent listener with almost infinite patience. You have complex feelings, and you take great care to express them. In love, you see relationships as an opportunity to connect and grow. You enjoy relationships when they are improving and changing. You can't stand stagnation. At work, you stay motivated and happy... as long as you are working toward a dream you support. You would make a great photographer, alternative medicine guru, or teacher. How you see yourself: Hardworking, ethical, and helpful When other people don't get you, they see you as: Manipulative, weak, and unstable

06:36 pm - Tired... [Mindless Rant. Please Disregard]

I'm so tired.  It's a known fact that everybody goes.  It happens.  But... not like this.  Three months and I already want 2009 to just... end (no emo).  That being said, I'm lucky.  I'm lucky my dad isn't here to see or hear about this.  I'm lucky I'm not in Chicago, for if I was, I'm sure my face would be plastered on the 9 o'clock news.  I'm lucky because I'd be in handcuffs.  I'm lucky because yesterday would, probably, be the last time I spoke to any of you guys for a long, long time. 

You don't fuck with family.  You don't fuck with my family.  That's it.  That's one thing you don't do.  And it's only distance that's keeping me from rolling four deep with the burner in the dash and deep sixing his ass.  It's distance that's keeping me from calling in every favor and every contact in my book to keep an eye out for your little punk ass. 

Your own mother.  She didn't deserve this, man.  All the shit you put her through.  All the times she helped you out and you do this?  Heartless fucker.  SWAT would've been a blessing in disguise if I were there.  No way in hell would you be walking away from this.  They say judgement comes for the wicked.  Well, the only judgement I got for you is a god damned heater to your fucking dome.

I'm tired.  I'm tired and I'm pissed.  And I'm showing a side of myself I didn't want to but... fuck it.  She didn't deserve it.  And I didn't need to hear my mother cry again.  This time I couldn't console her like I thought I could.  It's only one person's fault: her own son.  To those that are religious or just spiritual, you better pray for him.  If I come back to the windy city and his ass isn't found...

(Edit: http://cbs2chicago.com/local/dolton.woman.dead.2.956797.html | http://www.chicagobreakingnews.com/2009/03/cops-surround-dolton-home-after-woman-dies.html | http://www.myfoxchicago.com/dpp/news/dolton_woman_found_dead_mar09 )

06:08 am - Wait... what?

The Roots... backing Jimmy Fallon a la Kevin Eubanks?  The hell?

04:20 pm - Thanks

First of all, I want to give a sincere thank you to all the people who made this tough, trying time so much better with your well wishes and condolences.  From both me and the family to you all.  Thank you.  And may you all be blessed for the years to come in your lives.  I want to give a heartfelt thanks to Matthais, Elrabin and Miroku, as well.  These three, especially, have been there to keep me centered through this period.  The fox, my best friend....  My boyfriend, actually taking time out of work to come down and support me when I felt I couldn't hold on much longer.  I thank you for your amazing heart and for putting up with my family.

Second, I'd like to say: Dad.  I love you.  And... I'm content.  I'm better now than when you left and I'm more than able to carry on the legacy and the lessons that you taught me.  There's no way I can say how much I love you, how much I loved you, over the years but you've left two strong, beautiful women in your wake and one able bodied man to hold up his end to the bargain that we set years ago.  I'll miss you like hell no matter how much you drove me, us, crazy, but, in doing so, you'll never see us broken or beaten.  And for that, I thank you.  Rest in Peace and I salute you.

Current Mood: content

12:50 am - Things I've Learned From the Greatest Man I Know

Always keep your head up.
Never forget where you came from.
Keep your loved ones in your hearts, no matter how much they pissed you off.
Strength can only be truly measured with two muscles.




I love you.  More than anything I know.  More than anything out there.  I love you.

05:05 am - Yeah yeah yeah yeah....

So I don't forget, Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Happy Kwanzaa.... *whispers off stage* WTF is Kwanzaa?  Whatever.  Happy whatever the hell it is you celebrate, have a kick ass time, enjoy yourselves, drink responsibly if you do, be safe and survive the rush to 09.  Peace!

10:52 am - -Expletive Not Deleted-

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck FUCK!  Not having a good day and it's going to lead to not so many happy days in the near future.  External HD just went kaput.  Not reading anything at all.  20,000 songs?  Gone.  Stories, although half assedly written?  Gone.  Family photos?  Gone like a motherfucker.  If you happen to see me on and I'm in any way short with  you, apologies beforehand.

Current Mood: angry

05:46 pm - Vote or...

Smish.  Sounds a bit better and much more savory than the whole 'die' thing.  Yeah....  So if you haven't voted, bad.  Bad bad thingy.  Tsk tsk to the nth degree.  If you have....  well... good on ya!

----------------
Now blazing: Jurassic 5 - Lesson 6: The Lecture
via FoxyTunes    

08:34 pm - Umm... yeah. Kind o' busy...

School's starting, higher intensity workouts, offer accepted, leaving apartment.  All that good stuff so, if 'yena be scarce.... just a heads up.

08:57 pm - Journey of 'Bad' music...

Because it's been a while since I went to PopTunes or Spinstreet on Poplar to actually get or even look at CD's, I'm deciding to at least show what I was able to obtain in the past week (horrendously rushed, short and horrible reviews but hey, what do you expect?):

N*E*R*D - Seeing Sounds
Tracks to Look For:Lazer Gun, Spaz, Anti-Matter, Everyone Nose

Personally, I'm glad for this quarter of the 2008 music year despite many of my favorites not getting any major recognition in the form of Radio play.  N*E*R*D, however, may be able to breach that glass ceiling with a few, comparably, 'club head' hits that still maintain a musical substance that's been lacking in that small niche of Hip Hop.  Rather than stick with the repetitive drum beat that only shows how well your car or stereo can handle a lot of bass, they present hip hop with a flavor of Rock and Electronic style with Seeing Sounds.  Every track seems to push the limits of what the genre can be without completely ignoring the basic tenants that spawned hip hop in the first place.  Suffice to say, the CD doesn't disappoint.

9.0/10.0


Cunninlynguists - Dirty Acres
Tracks to Look For: The Park (Fresh Air), Yellow Lines

I don't post on forums, nor really go to many of them at that, but despite the 'drama' that DA generates (of which I try to remain oblivious of), the Music Forum has been good to me when it comes to actually getting some recommendations for artists that are lesser known or underground.  Of the suggestions, Cunninlynguists has always come up at least once or twice in many a thread and that's more than enough for me to try and figure out what all the hype is about this relatively unhyped group.  Dirty Acres, as good as it is, sometimes seems to have an identity crisis.  It doesn't know what it wants to be as, with a few tracks, you get a mellow meld of instrumental and vocal abilities with some pretty nice collaborations before it yields to the dirty south style that is hit or miss with a diverse crowd of listeners, in my opinion.

7.5/10.0


Nujabes - Modal Soul
Tracks to Look For: Flowers, Music Is Mine, Eclipse (Feat. Substantial), Ordinary Joe (Feat. Terry Callier)

Japanese producer and artist Nujabes returns with an album that hardly fails at being memorable.  Still maintaining the jazzy style of Metaphorical Music, Modal Soul shows that Nujabes can stay true to his sound without making a copy of his previously released works.  The return collaborators Substantial and Cise Starr (from Lady Brown on Metaphorical Music) bring back a vocal style and ability that mixes well with the newly featured artists Apani B, Terry Callier, and Uyama Hiroto while the backing beats of Nujabes bring an almost nostalgic sound reminiscent of Miles Davis' Doo Bop album.

9.5/10.0


Barenaked Ladies - Maroon & Stunt (matthais)
Tracks to Look For: Pinch Me, One Week, Falling For the First Time, Leave

Driving from Penn State to Jersey and back, a certain speckfox decided to subject me to some 'bad' music.  Now, I've not been oblivious enough to have never heard the songs from Barenaked Ladies, hell, I know a lot of the hits from the band.  Only thing is, I've been way too lazy to try and pick up an album.  So, to make up for it, I picked up two: Maroon and Stunt.  I figure that's a pretty damn good place to start and, once again, wasn't disappointed by a recommended group.

8.5/10 x2


The Roots - Rising Down
Tracks to Look For: Singing Man, Get Busy, Rising Up

Thank god for the latest Roots release.  The Tipping Point and Game Theory of previous years left a lot to be desired as the tracks seemed to deviate from the heavily involved instrumental sounds that was their signature in Illadelph Halflife and Things Fall Apart.  Rising Down brings it back full circle as the album greatly implements the drumming ability of ?uestlove and the old school stylings of Black Thought, pulling together what I would nominate as one of their top three albums.  The only complaint?  Way too short.

8.5/10.0

Porcupine Tree - In Absentia (Blame ibuncloudslayer)
Tracks to Look For: Gravity Eyelids, Prodigal, Trains
I completely blame the influences of Ransom and Ibun for my urge to pick up this album blindly.  Didn't know what to expect or, even, how to react to what I was about to listen to.  To say the very least, I was pleasantly surprised.  To say the least I know for a fact I'm keeping, or have been keeping, an eye out for their other works just to get a better grip on their sound.

8.0/10


Lupe Fiasco - Tapemasters Inc - Follow the Leader (Chicago friends sent that one)
Tracks to Look For: Us Placers (feat. Kanye West & Pharrell), Blackout, Lupe the Killer

Despite a Monk's bad review of a concert, which I'm actually taking to heart until I get the chance to check for myself, a few friends of mine found a Chicago mixtape of the West Side Windy City native and sent it to me through the snail mail.  I expected nothing and, to tell the truth,
nothing is what I got.  Tis the risk you run when you're listening to a mixtape rather than a polished, studio set.  Aside from a few tracks that hit (posted above), the others missed worst than a blind archer as you received mere snippets of "maybe" tracks and got a load of the same ol, same ol, elsewhere in the album.  Not to mention the constant play of "Tapemasters Inc." over the intros to each song which destroyed any attempts to salvage the album as something I'd recommend to another listener.

6.5/10.0

Current Mood: geeky

01:17 pm - I give in....

If you poll Memphians, there would be three things that this city has, aside from its rich history: The blues, FedEx, and the Memphis Tigers.  I concede.  We lost.  Not necessarily were we beaten (Especially considering the fact we had the damn game won....), but we lost.  Game was close (No duh) and I have to give my respect to Kansas for keeping it that way (Yup.  Good job.....  Now me and that state have a bone to pick. >.>).  But, enough about the game (C'mon!  All you needed was a foul after hitting your free throw, damnit. >.<), how's everyone been?  Me?  Not the best, not the worst.  Mixing the late school schedule with an even later work schedule is starting to take its toll on my health and not really having an actual bed to sleep in (itty bitty couch) is starting to be a pain.  Good news: Vacations are coming up, traveling will ensue and whole stints of "Not being here!" will take over so, yeah, there's that.  Plus concerts.  Erykah Badu, Earth, Wind & FIre, and the Dave Matthews band all after Memphis in May.   Eargasm overload.  Bad news? (Define: bad news)  Not really much, I just can't wait until the end of April where I can actually get in a good 8 hours of sleep (Yeah, no more running on three hours.  Not superman damnit!).  Anyway... (because this post has absolutely no real purpose)  I'll catch you guys later (hopefully).

Current Mood: drained

04:49 am - Lineup for the Beale Street Music Festival...

Friday, May 2, 2008
My Chemical Romance, Sheryl Crow, The Roots, Keb 'Mo', Richard Johnston, Hellogoodbye , Jonny Lang, Ben Folds, Charlie Musselwhite, Robert "Wolfman" Belfour, Flyleaf , Joan Jett & the Blackhearts, Project Pat, Lil' Ed & the Blues Imperials, Lord T & Eloise, Amy LaVere, JJ Grey & Mofro, Lurrie Bell

Saturday, May 3, 2008
Santana, Disturbed, Matisyahu, Bettye LaVette, Richard Johnston, Lou Reed, Seether, The John Butler Trio, Pinetop Perkins & Hubert, Sumlin W Billy Gibson, Blind Mississippi Morris, Buddy Guy, Simple Plan, Arrested Development, Watermelon Slim, Cat Power, The Whigs, Colbie Caillat, Back Door Slam, Duman, Saving Abel, Tegan and Sara, Kenny Neal, Muck Sticky, Oracle and the Mountain, Al Kapone, Preston Shannon,
Eli "Paperboy" Reed

Sunday, May 4, 2008
Fergie, Michael McDonald, The Black Crowes, Doyle Bramhall, Richard Johnston, Finger Eleven, Aretha Franklin, O.A.R., Magic Slim & the Teardrops, Robert "WOLFMAN" Belfour, Gavin DeGraw, Jerry Lee Lewis, Michael Franti & Spearhead, Nick Moss & The Flip Tops, Rue Melo, Duman (from Turkey), Umphrey's McGee, Samuel James, Carney, Billy Lee Riley, Pete Francis, Calvin Cook

10:52 am - No laughing matter.

You get into a major argument as your parents start to talk some sense into you.  You say, "Hey, it's not touching down near us, I'll be fine.  Besides, the storms subsiding by the time I want to leave."  You drive your normal route, lights are off but that's happened before.  The streets look clear aside from a few small branches and a detour as you break the Mississippi/Tennessee border.  You finally hit work and, from what you can see in the dead of night, nothing is wrong.  You work, you get off and you drive back on the interstate.  Virtually empty, but again, nothing seems the matter.  You get home... and you go to sleep.

When you wake up, CNN and every other news source is reporting.  That route you drive on prior to the detour?  Stores completely ravaged by the winds, cars knocked off the road and left abandoned as people ran for shelter.  That detour?  Houses imploded after people evacuated; the debris littering the streets so much that you can't dry through.  Your job?  Less than 1,000 feet from where you're working, the airport has taken such massive hits that even your planes couldn't land in the designated areas.  The old neighborhood is completely beaten to hell almost beyond recognition.  Less than 2 miles away from where you live, the terrible, torrential twisting winds touched down and virtually raped the city.

I didn't hear the sirens.  I feel foolish for trying to drive through this.  I feel dumb for trying to keep a 'perfect attendance' at work.  I feel stupid for feeling that I'm invincible.  I'm not.  Nowhere near it.  If the lights were on and shone on the damage, there's no way in hell I could've forced my self to continue.  Instead, foolish 'yena.  Keep an eye out for those who weren't as lucky.  I gotta make a few phone calls. v.v

Current Mood: disappointed

12:18 am - Cherry Halls....

Aint shit cherry about it.  >.<

Current Mood: sick

01:39 am - Brother...

    Or bro for short. It gets thrown about so easily as a greeting or just a descriptor for someone. You know? "What's up, brother?" or "He's just my bro." and the like. I know I use it jokingly but, for a select few, I mean the, I guess you would call it, 'title' seriously. I've never had a brother. At least not a blood one. It's just been my sister and me and we really don't relate in any kind of way. She's into her own thing, I'm into mine. That's how it is. But one thing's for sure. You disrespect her, or God forbid, lay a hand on her, expect to get cut down. Then there's my dad. Only recently have we had a relationship that wasn't mirroring Drill Sergeant and soldier as it had been up until my 18th birthday. The very second I hit supposed manhood, we've revamped. Went from father and son to buddy-buddy. He talks to me like I'm his best friend and, many times, the reverse is true as well. But, despite this, there's still this gap between him and me. You know? The usual age type/generation type of thing. Maybe that's why I am the way I am. I enjoy things from a bygone era because I once tried to impress, tried to further understand him on a level he wouldn't speak on when I was younger and, since then, it's stuck.  My musical likes, the way I dress, the way I speak and act are all a testament to him.
    But the fact remains, I never really had someone who was on my level agewise to look up to.  I take that back.  I now have no one on my level agewise.  I've had a few people in my life.  Those I've tried to establish that relationship with and, for the most part, it worked while they were still here.  Close friends of the family and cousins that looked out for me, showed me the ropes to survive and how to fit in in any situation.  But, for a couple, they also shone as beacons, as symbols of who I don't want to become and, in a way, fueled me to push myself despite how stagnant my life is at the moment.  Each relationship was short lived, each deep conversation now a testament to their memory despite how many would remember their deaths.  Jermaine?  Gunned down in 2002.  Jeremey?  Likewise in 2007.  Will?  Died in a car accident on his way home from NYU.  Each had their own goals and, for the most part, each had made an effort to change their lives for the better prior to their tragic ends.  But the fact remains: No more close mentors, no more close teachers.  I've learned to live with that fact.  It didn't hurt as much as it did a few months ago, but it's still fresh in my mind. 
    But this is why I'm thankful to the people I truly care about in my life.  People who've imparted wisdom, given hugs, or simply gave a concerned nod my way in times of need and, to those same people, I only wish I've done the same for you.  I'm not going to name names at all because you know who you are.  Chances are I've actually called you my bro or brother and I mean it.  If I haven't, it doesn't matter.  Y'all are some of my closest friends, some people I can speak freely with; something I've been real tentative to do with the people I interact with on the daily.  The fact is, y'all are cool people.  I'm more than happy with playing the role of big brother to some and distant friend to others.  I just hope things are, and stay, well with you all.  You've filled a void that I never let on was there.  And I thank you.


                                                                                                                                                                                                                            Peace,
                                                                                                                                                                                                                       Big Brother D

Current Mood: contemplative

01:56 pm - More lyrics

Cee-Lo Green, one half of Gnarls Barkley, is a fun lyricist. A lot of his rhymes resemble spoken word so much that it's hard not to call him a poet. Even without the soulful music behind his words, the song is enjoyable. So, I'll let you read and enjoy... if you want. ;)

[Cee-Lo]
Peace
How y’all feel out there
That’s cool
Alright
You know, sometimes I wanna rap
Sometimes I wanna sing, you know what I mean
Sometimes all it calls for is a nice mellow groove
Hit of rimshot, you know
Just get, you know, get you open
But I wanna do a piece for y’all tonight, it’s called sometimes
Alright, so check it out
Sometimes a stranger can be your best friend
Sometimes being angry is the best mood
Sometimes seeing you feel good makes me feel even better
Sometimes hunger is the best food
Sometimes good just ain’t good enough
And other times evil will get you even
Sometimes faith is not knowing any better
Sometimes nothing is what you believe in
Woah

Sometimes I don’t even have a hook

Sometimes you fail trying
And sometimes happiness hurts worse
Sometimes people live dying
Sometimes it’s the last person that makes you first
Sometimes you’ll keep what you don’t want
And other times you’ll give away what you really need
Sometimes a rich man won’t have a dollar
And all a poor man has is greed
Woah

Sometimes
Sometimes I just wanna listen
Sounds good to me
Yeah
Ay yo Lock, put them strings right here
Sometimes I don’t think people know I’m as good as I really am

Now my recitings are writing over rhythm’s
Regularly re-enacts facts of my existence
So what proof of my expertise, many emcees know of me
Using unrequested serious infested poetry
To provoke what persistence
For instance, I don’t let the T.V. screen come in between my daily routine

At a spot where me and my boy went
Someone interrupted our enjoyment
What do you know, an out of work emcee looking for employment
But I’m still courteous with my greeting, brother I’m eating
And his style sounded similar to someone else's
So evidently he’s been cheating
But I couldn’t question the destiny in which we meet
So, you guessed it, I suggested that he just have a seat
And then I explained to him that I remained in the mean time
Mastering mysterious methods of writing
Finding my piece of mind with soft music and moonlighting
Then supernaturally I foresee the beginning stages
And then eventually pages get filled completely
You see, I dive into the depths of my soul
Seeking to explore the hidden treasure of a pure literature
While these others are unsure
Being that the deepness makes them doubtful
Deliberately delaying
Saying they’ll settle for whatever washes toward the shore
Delirious from delusion
My feelings were no more direct so the conclusion is seclusion
Because mixed belief create confusion
To remain plain and simplistic, realistic
Accurate, articulate and absolutely artistic
Uninhibited, unadulterated, unstoppable
Unfuckwittable and unforgettable
But since I’ve been granted the power of choice
Let God bet the voice he is
So all the credibility is his
So let these be words of wisdom and in the same breath be warning
Son I shine like Sunday morning
Woah

Sometimes
See you next time

Current Mood: artistic

05:55 am - December to February

Signing papers and closing on the house before Christmas. Helping in the move from Chi-city to the City of Blues and Rock and Roll. Visitor coming and a bonus reason to 'travel' mid semester. Busy, busy, busy.